I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
