I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
