Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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