oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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