Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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