You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
