The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Randomize
