I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
