dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
