it hurts more in the daytime
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
