Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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