you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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