like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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