i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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