did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
