My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
