dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you will always have a special place in my vag
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
