Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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