You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I haven't been this sober since birth.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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