I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
