I skipped work to stalk him.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
