god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
