i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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