Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If I die, sorry about rent.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize