Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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