Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
