"it" just moved
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
