ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
