I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
