Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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