Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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