Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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