Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
