so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
