drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
