I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
