I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
