hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
