The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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