Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
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