she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
