i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
