if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
