What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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