Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
