so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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