I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
