Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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