my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
