I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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