I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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