Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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