You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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