you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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