You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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