So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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