Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think my moral compass just broke
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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