Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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