Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
whose parrot is this?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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