I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize