trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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