im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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