we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
