How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
