I just pynch a tree in the face
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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