halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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